An open letter.
Dear Zenhak Author(s),
Sirs, it was with great delight I downloaded your promising sounding Xbox Live Community Game Title “ZenHak”. Being a white hat Buddhist, I was naturally quite excited at the prospect of being offered the chance to combine my two favourite areas of study for the admittedly not substantial sum of 400 fake Microsoft monies. Indeed, upon locating its title on the dashboard of my Xbox 360 and commencing the download of the trial version, I embarked upon preparations in my home for the meditative quest that I was surely due to begin.
I began lighting some of the finest candles known to man, sourced from the hills of China and imported at great expense. I chanted quietly to myself (one cannot be too loud a chanter if one wishes to remain in a state of calmness with ones neighbours, especially when a few mere hours separates the darkness from the rise of the sun) and shuffled my way across to the monitor that lit up the room, extinguishing its cathode ray glow so that the candlelight may radiate around the room. My mind, Sirs, was mere moments away from complete and total harmony.
Cross legged and barefoot, I placed myself upon my wooden floor and reached for the controller. The familiar blip of the Xbox 360 aired across the room and for a few moments my beating heart would not steady. Such, Sirs, was the anticipation that I had built for your title. Finally, the moment where someone in the videogame industry had understood what I previously believed to be a pairing of hobbies unique only to myself, not only that Sirs, but they had created a game that felt as though it was brought asunder to me from upon high. My dream game.
The travels in my mind, Sirs, have been many and varied. I have sought enlightenment, Sirs. I have sought peace and harmony with the world and to be the best person that I can be, Sirs. Crucially, I have always sought to be generous to my fellow man, Sirs.
A heavy heart, Sirs. A heavy heart. This is what I carry now. For I freely admit that within mere minutes of negotiating my way around the game that which you have created, Sirs. Within mere minutes, the years of calm, the years of oneness with my fellow man, Sirs. Everything that which I have taught myself to be slipped from my grasp to be replaced with vulgarities that would make a sailor stand aloft in shock.
I believe that within my studies I have previously touched on concepts that some would deem obtuse. These challenges I have risen to, stood tall and proud. I have brought down servers whilst meditating, gained access to documents that many would prefer not to be seen, one day Sirs, one day, I was asked to advise the British Broadcasting Corporation for a minor news segment discussing a rare strange of virulent worm unleashed unto the enslaved masses of unsuspecting amateur website visitors. I have, if I may be so bold as to say so, seen many things, gained knowledge aplenty and dealt with obfuscation of both a factual and metaphysical nature and Sirs, I have risen above it.
Yet why is it that your creation, Sirs, is utterly lost upon me? Why, Sirs, do I find myself unable to understand a single thing not just in what I should be doing to progress in your “game” but utterly befuddled and bewildered as to why I should be doing such a thing. It’s true that the path to enlightenment is not an easy one, but in my experience, it never consisted of repeatedly cracking your skull against a brick wall in the vain hope of gaining the slightest bit of understanding from a situation. It never, not once Sirs, consisted of wildly waving a cursor around hoping and praying that something, anything would happen and make some semblance of logical sense. Not once, Sirs, did it consist of holding down the yellow button on a controller and waiting for a seemingly random message to appear. Not once, Sirs, on my path to enlightenment was I confronted with the message “Feature not available in trial version” and even were I to be confronted by such a thing, I’d like to believe that perhaps I’d at least know at this point what this feature purported to be.
I came away from the whole experience sorely disappointed with myself and with your game, Sirs. What I had hoped would be a sublime experience turned out to be a trick. A mere shell to contain nonsense, Sirs. That is what you have foisted upon me. And the words, Sirs, the words I used that night made even the plants blush. I shall not repeat them in this letter, Sirs, for I fear the years of self restraint and acceptance that you broke that night may take yet more time to atone for.
And so, I write you this open letter, open in the hope that more people will not suffer as I did. Open, Sirs, so that you may perhaps understand that the confusing mess of obfuscation that you have produced is comprehensible to not even I on my highest plane of consciousness. And open because I’m ‘opin I never have to endure such drivel again. It is lucky, you must never doubt, that I am a man of forgiveness and Sirs – I do forgive you and I hope that you go forward in life and not make the same mistake twice.
Peace and love,
Ringo.
This title was 400 Points at the time of writing this review but has since been reduced to 240 Points.
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If the makers took as much care in creating this game as they did in creating that woman’s shiny bottom, it might have been good. But alas…
Yeah pretty much. LOL.
I can’t believe I actually finished this game, and let me tell you that, my friend, is a true disappointment. The worst part is this game is selling extremely well. I may have to make an episode on what a shit game this is.
where he gets off charging 400 pts for this i have no idea, i mean he actually must have thought it was good at some point. if it was 200 pts i could almost be like, “ok bro i get it its ur first game ur just messing about a bit, hey thats cool now heres 200 pts to invest in your next opus.”
but no he had to go and charge 400, this guy is dead to me.
nick
Haha, I might have to check this game out after your impressions. However regarding sales: I can’t help but think that Xbox Live users are dumb. If you see what kind of crap makes it in the weekly top 10 when there are three dozen quality titles for 200 and 400 points that are just ignored by the majority … it’s such a shame.
Even sadder, this ISN’T this company’s first game. If you go to their website, ( http://zenfar.com/ ) you’ll find they published an RPG for the PC several years ago. I have not tried that game, but ZenHak does not inspire confidence.
“And open because I’m ‘opin I never have to endure such drivel again.”
And that is what XNA reviews are all about.
Pure brilliance.
Some lack the true vision and enlightenment to see the Hak for what it is the perfect combination of cyberpunk and craps using hexadecimal mathematics and dice ten sided.
————————————-
Place bots (bets) using the A button put a couple on the firewall and a couple on the Black Ice and then press the Hak button (lower right, use the Y button to get there quick)..
If you Hak the Firewall your bots will be placed in a data vault. If you fail place more bots on the Firewall. Once the Firewall is down you can place center bots and OptiCache bots.
The lower left part of the screen shows your progress.
——————————————————–
Basic Haking Video
http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?vid=ee1af6aa-c264-41ca-af21-156311f1314c
Sorry, but I’ve no idea how to play Craps, no idea what I’d be betting on, how I’d win or how I’d lose, so I’m even more confused now than I was before.
Anyone?
Here are the bets in Craps:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Craps#Line_bets
The Firewall is similar to the Pass line bet, the OptiCache is similar to a Come bet.
Dear nickthedude,
ZenHak is over 50 megs in size and thus I was forced to price it at 400 points, if not I would have priced it at 200 points. All community games over 50 megs must be priced at 400 points or higher. For I want all to experience the Hak…
Peace and Hak,
Zenfar
This really sounds like the sort of stuff that perhaps shouldn’t have stayed in your head and maybe, just maybe should have been explained to the player?
Not that I think it’d make a drastic difference to the enjoyment of the thing, but y’know…
True oddbob, I am working on an update to add a Haking game tutorial to the game. I thought making the game board look similar to a craps table would be enough of a clue, but not everybody picked up on that.
I have never played craps in my whole life!
Let us look at craps through the lens of ZenHak…
In ZenHak the equivalent of the Pass Line is a the Firewall. Let us put 3 bots on the Firewall (pressing the A button while over either Firewall area). Next we press the Hak button. This rolls 2d10 number 0-9 and adds them together for a result between 0 and 18. On a result of 4 or less something bad happens unless you Hak skill saves you or you have placed BlackIce bots. On a roll of a 9 you are an instant winner and you retrieve data. On a roll or 14 or higher nothing happen on the Firewall. On a result of 5 through 14 but not a 9 the Firewall is down and the Bots are placed in a data vault. Now when you hit the Hak button you are trying to get the Data Vault number (the number you just rolled) before you get a 9.
I hope that helps Michael.
It’s funny, because I remember people telling you they had no idea what was going on in the game during Playtest/Review. It’s no surprise that impression didn’t change once released.
Oh that makes it all crystal clear then.
I can now play Zenhak with total enjoyment.
Oh and monkeys will fly out of my shiny rear.
Cool idea, but I’ll be a seahorses cousin if this isn’t one of the most confusing games I have ever played.
As stated Zenfar many many many many many many many many many many people have never played Craps and/or have no idea how to play Craps, myself included.
Hilarious review BTW sirs.
So far, it looks like zero people who read this review have played casino craps.
In general, out of the people who own a 360, not many have ever taken it online. Out of those that have, not many have ever purchased anything online with their 360. Out of those that have, it doesn’t seem like many are even aware Community Games exist. Out of those remaining few who are, do you really want to alienate all but the craps players?
You don’t really need to understand craps to Hak in ZenHak just place bots press the Hak button place some more bots in different areas. And do this until you find the strategy that works right for you.
Here is a link showing the basic placement of bots. It shows haking the Firewall until it is down and then placing OptiCache bots.
http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?vid=ee1af6aa-c264-41ca-af21-156311f1314c
Cheers,
Zenfar
But there *already* exists a more fitting pretender to the “ZenHack” label: Robot Finds Kitten!
ZenHak update is in playtest.
Look for Version 2.0 it is up!
The description has Version 2.0 in it. Also the file size is 48 megs. You have to delete your old version and download the new one. Let me know what you think and what you want in V 3.0.
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On the path to enlightenment I have removed many of the “Feature not available in trial version” from Version 2.0. Also you will find help screens when you enter the haking minigame.
Eat not the beetle nut nor fast for 40 days in the fields for version 2.1 is on its way…